“The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.”
—Proverbs 11:3
What are a few character traits that you value as important for men? What have you seen in other men that you admire? These can be difficult questions, because we don’t want to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves or becoming jealous. But they’re worth asking. Are there specific character traits you want to cultivate in your own life?
For me, integrity comes to mind right away. I try to be careful with my words, and I think I generally succeed at that. I don’t consider myself a gossip—I don’t want to hear or spread things that are none of my business. But I do like to process information, and sometimes that happens in conversation. That’s when I have to check my heart and intentions, because “processing” can easily drift into being critical or uncharitable toward others.
So much of integrity is hidden—what we are when no one is watching or listening. I’ve never been accused of lacking integrity, but I realize that no one can see what happens behind the scenes of my life.
Today, we see plenty of men with bold, outspoken personalities. That’s not a new phenomenon—many men throughout history have been this way. But in recent decades, that type of man has often been portrayed negatively. Meanwhile, culture has increasingly encouraged men to talk more, share feelings, and “process” openly.
There was a time when the quiet, stoic man was more common—the man who didn’t say much, but when he spoke, people listened. He wasn’t a gossip. He chose his words carefully and spoke with wisdom. Some of these men were believers, others not, but they shared traits like honor and integrity. Tom Landry, the legendary football coach, comes to mind as a Christian man who exemplified this kind of character—respected, honorable, and self-controlled.
We need to recover and preserve qualities like integrity, honor, respect, and wisdom.
With the rise in emphasis on emotional openness, we risk losing some of those qualities that once marked admirable manhood—integrity, honor, respect, wisdom. There’s a difference between thoughtful, confident speech and simply sharing feelings or tossing around opinions. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with sharing your heart with your wife, a pastor, or a close friend. But I’ve noticed that both in the church and in broader culture, the calm, confident, stoic man has been set aside in favor of the man who is more talkative and emotionally expressive.
When that shift happens, we risk losing some of the stability that men are meant to bring. A man who is overly emotional or says whatever comes to mind doesn’t provide security in the home. Wives and children don’t feel safer or more secure in that environment. We need to recover and preserve qualities like integrity, honor, respect, and wisdom.
This is sure to stir up some discussion, and I welcome that. Some may agree; others may see it differently. Feel free to comment if you’d like. I speak as someone who does talk—I have a background in psychology, counseling, and coaching—and I’m an introvert. But I want to always be careful with my words, build others up, disagree kindly and respectfully, and speak with integrity. I want to honor Christ in all I say, and to speak confidently and clearly without rambling or appearing weak.
May God help us to be men of integrity in all we do.
Ready to be sharpened like iron?